Ladies, we need to talk for a moment. I have a little not-so-tough love for you today. Because there are far too many of us who spend our lives apologizing for things that we have no reason to even apologize for. Now, I know that there are so many of us who have been quietly trained to shrink ourselves by saying sorry for pretty much everything. Not because we’re actually, but because we’ve been taught that it is our responsibility to make others comfortable and keep the peace. So suddenly, we are apologizing for absolutely everything. And it’s time to stop that…and allow other people to be responsible for their own actions and emotions.
Since it can be easy not to recognize where we overapologize, here are some of the most common ways you may be apologizing too much. You might see yourself in a few…most of us do!
1. We apologize for having our own needs
Do you ever find yourself saying things like…
“I’m sorry, but could we leave a little earlier?”
“Sorry, I just need a minute.”
“Sorry, can you help me with this?”
You need rest, support, and basic accommodations at times, just like everyone else. And we, as women, need to stop apologizing for that! Your needs are not an inconvenience.
Let me be clear…your needs are valid! And it’s time to stop putting them on the back burner.
2. We apologize for taking up space
I see women do these types of things a lot. Do you do any of these?
- Saying “sorry” when someone else bumps into you.
- Apologizing before speaking in meetings.
- Shrinking your body language, your voice, your opinions.
That automatic “oops, sorry!” when you did nothing wrong is not okay. You’re allowed to physically and verbally take up space!
3. We apologize for our emotions
This is one that SO many women do. I’ve heard this one a lot from women in my own life. And every single time I stop them and tell them not to apologize for their feelings. I hear things like…
“I’m sorry I’m so emotional.”
“Sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying.”
“Sorry, I’m just frustrated.”
Men are allowed to be angry without apology. But it is healthy to feel and express your emotions. It is incredibly unhealthy to stuff them down…and to invalidate them. You are a human being with human emotions. You do NOT have to apologize for that. If someone else is uncomfortable, that is something they need to work through!
4. We apologize for setting boundaries
This is definitely something that I’ve struggled with as a neurodivergent woman. Setting boundaries has always felt uncomfortable to me. I know there are a lot of women who struggle with boundary setting as well. Once again, it all comes down to not wanting to disappoint someone else or make them uncomfortable (I’m sensing a pattern here…). This can sound like:
“Sorry, I can’t make it.”
“I’m so sorry, I just can’t commit to that.”
“Sorry, I need to log off now.”
We’ve got to stop acting as if protecting our time or energy is selfish. It’s not. Boundaries aren’t rude; they’re responsible…and they’re a form of self-care.
5. We apologize so that we seem less intelligent
Women have been taught to minimize their intelligence so that we don’t seem intimidating, bossy, or “too much.” But that isn’t the case. We’ve been forced to “dumb ourselves down” so that we don’t make men uncomfortable. This narrative is starting to change, but I still often hear women say things like:
“Sorry if this sounds dumb…”
“I’m not an expert, but…”
“This might be totally wrong…”
It’s time to stop being afraid of being too much or intimidating. Once again, if someone has an issue with your intelligence, that is their own issue. It’s up to them to work that out.
6. We apologize for our success
For way too long, women have been downplaying the good things they’ve worked hard for. Here’s what that sounds like in conversations…
“I’m sorry you didn’t get it.” “I just got lucky, honestly.” “Oh, it’s really not a big deal.”
We shrink our wins down so the people around us don’t feel awkward. But here’s the thing…success doesn’t require you to make yourself smaller.
7. We apologize for other people’s discomfort
As an AuDHD woman, I am very sensitive to the emotions of the people around me. And I can feel when others are uncomfortable. It can be really easy to apologize to ease their discomfort. That can sound like:
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I didn’t mean to upset anyone.”
Even when we’re just calmly stating something true, we still feel this pull to manage how everyone else reacts to it. Like their feelings are somehow our job to fix. But that isn’t your responsibility. It’s theirs. Allow them to own their own emotions.
8. We apologize for existing in male-dominated spaces
When women are present anywhere that’s traditionally been male-dominated, there’s always this quiet energy of “I’ll try not to be difficult” running underneath everything we say. But you don’t owe anyone an apology for showing up and taking your seat. In fact, it’s time we had more women taking a seat at the table!
Over-apologizing isn’t weakness…
Honestly, a lot of this over-apologizing isn’t weakness at all. It’s survival. Somewhere along the way, your nervous system learned that staying small and agreeable kept you safe. That makes a lot of sense, and it deserves some compassion.
But there’s a real difference between kindness and erasing yourself.
Here’s one small practice I really love! When you’re not actually at fault for something, try swapping “I’m sorry” for one of these instead:
“Thank you for your patience.”
“I appreciate your understanding.”
“Here’s what I need.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
Notice how different that feels in your body? The difference is subtle, but it’s powerful.
So I’m curious…when do you notice yourself apologizing the most? At work? In your relationships? In creative spaces? I’d love to hear where over-apologizing shows up most for you.
