Imagine telling someone you’ve made one of the biggest life decisions of your life. It is something that you’ve thought about for a long time. You’ve decided to talk it over with a few trusted people in your life, only to have them say, “Oh, you’ll change your mind.” Or even worse, they say: “That’s so selfish.” Millions of women choose not to have children. And for them, moments like this happen far too often. That’s also what I’ve personally experienced in my own life. And honestly, it sucks!
Let me clarify one thing…being child-free by choice is just that, a choice. It’s different from being childless, which usually means someone wants children but is unable to have them for an endless number of reasons. Child-free people like me know that parenthood isn’t the right path for them…and it’s time to normalize the idea that making that choice is completely valid.
Some people, however, will never understand.
The judgment is real
Can I be honest with you for a moment? Society isn’t exactly kind to people who go against the “norm.” It is pretty much expected that you will, at some point, get married and have kids. I definitely experienced this pressure. I didn’t get married until I was in my mid 30s. People always asked, “So, when are you going to get married?” Once I was married, that question became “So, when are you going to have kids?” It’s rude and uncomfortable…and yet the pressure continues. Heck, there’s even a word for the pressure people put on you to have children…pronatalism. Pronatalism is the idea that having babies is always good, always expected, and always the default. If someone chose to walk a different path than that, people often respond in ways that are rude or even downright hurtful.
Here are some of the things people say…
1. “You’ll change your mind”
This is probably the most common thing people say to child-free people. It’s pretty darn dismissive. Statements like this imply that this choice hasn’t really been thought through. And I’ll tell you from personal experience, it absolutely HAS been thought through…a lot! Think about it this way…let’s say you’ve told a good friend you’ve decided to become a teacher, and they respond, “You’ll probably change your mind.” It would feel pretty darn condescending, right? Believe it or not, this is the same thing.
2. Being told you are being “selfish”
I’ve heard this one a few times too. The social belief behind it seems to be that not having children means you’re only thinking about yourself. But is making a thoughtful choice about your own life really selfish? As someone who is neurodivergent, I knew I couldn’t easily handle the stress that comes from raising a child. And that would have made me a less-than-great parent.
Bringing a child into the world without being fully ready or capable of being a present parent is not a very responsible choice. The word “selfish” says more about pressure from society’s standards than it does about the actual decision.
3. “You must not like kids”
This one is a big misconception. Many child-free adults absolutely love children. You’d be amazed how many child-free people are teachers, aunts and uncles, pediatric nurses, coaches, and babysitters. Not wanting kids doesn’t mean you dislike them; it just means you’ve realized that raising them full-time isn’t right for your life.
This one is absolutely not true for me. I’ve worked with kids most of my adult life. And I’ve enjoyed working with them a lot. But my neurodivergent brain knew that having kids would’ve been far too overstimulating for me. So I can enjoy working with kids, or visiting with nieces and nephews…but I was able to go home and decompress instead of always having to manage the needs of kids 24/7.
4. “So when are you having kids?”
I will bet that some child-free people hear this at pretty much every family gathering. There could be constant pressure from parents, grandparents, or even coworkers who seem to view the choice to not have children as a problem that needs to be fixed. This constant questioning can feel exhausting and pretty invasive.
When I worked at a church, I got this often from congregation members. It was exhausting having to deal with that pressure all the time. If this happens, it may be time to set some healthy boundaries!
Is being child-free really as bad as society would have you believe?
Yes, the social pressure is real. But the same people who pressure those who are child-free to have children rarely stop to think about whether or not it truly is the right path for them. There are a whole lot of people who thrive because they AREN’T parents. Many child-free people experience lives that are deeply fulfilling, joyful, and meaningful. And there are some benefits that come from choosing a child-free life.
Benefits of being child-free
Having more time for what you love
Having kids is a huge time commitment. Let me explain that’s not a criticism…it’s just reality for a whole lot of people. But those who are child-free get to live differently. They have more hours in the day to spend on the things that are important to them, such as their career, their hobbies, traveling, spending time with friends, working on creative projects, and taking time for personal growth. And having that extra time often gives them a strong sense of purpose and satisfaction.
Having more money
Do you have any idea how expensive it is to have a child right now? It’s crazy expensive! I live in the US and raising a child in the United States costs over $300,000 from birth to age 18 (and that doesn’t include college expenses). Honestly, not everyone can afford that. And right now, many people are opting out of that expense. And instead, they are putting their money toward their retirement, experiences, charitable giving, or simply so that they have more financial stability and security.
Building stronger relationships
Let’s be honest for a minute. Most moms I know are downright exhausted all the time. They are trying to balance raising their kids and taking care of the house…all while often having a job themselves! And that doesn’t really leave a whole lot of time to nurture a relationship! But when you don’t have to deal with the needs of children, you naturally have more time and energy to invest in your relationship. You can be more flexible and more spontaneous. This can allow you to be present for each other emotionally. This also has another benefit. Those who decide not to have kids also have stronger friendships and often have a bigger social network too!
Better mental and emotional well-being
Studies have been done about the connection between happiness and parenthood. Some parents experience a lot of joy from being a parent, while others experience a whole lot of stress. But many people who choose not to have children have high levels of life satisfaction and strong mental health. This may partly be because they’ve made a deliberate choice that fits who they are and what works best for their life.
I think this is particularly important for those women who are neurodivergent. I have talked to more than one neurodivergent woman who feels very overwhelmed all the time by her kids. And I’ve had more than one neurodivergent woman tell me that if they knew what a toll having kids would be on them, they would’ve made a different choice. These women love their kids…but the mental and emotional cost is particularly high for neurodivergent women.
Freedom to redefine “family”
If you choose not to have children, it doesn’t mean you have to live without deep connection. Child-free people often build rich, chosen families made up of close friends, partners, siblings, nieces, nephews, and community members. Family looks different for everyone, and that’s a beautiful thing.
One last thing…
Choosing not to have children is one of the most personal decisions you can make. It deserves the same respect as any other major life choice. No one should have to defend it at the dinner table, justify it to a stranger, or feel like they’re somehow less of a person because of it.
If you’re child-free by choice, know this: your life is no less meaningful, no less loving, and no less complete. And if you know someone who is child-free? The kindest thing you can do is simply trust that they know themselves, and let that be enough.
