If you suspect you may have ADHD or autism, are over 40, and have never been diagnosed, there are distinct reasons why that has happened to women in older generations.
For many women over 40, getting a diagnosis of ADHD or autism later in life can feel like a mix of relief, grief, and confusion. You may wonder how something so central to your daily life could go unnoticed for so long. The truth is, countless neurodivergent women grew up without recognition, support, or language for what they were experiencing—and it’s not because their symptoms weren’t there. It’s because the world wasn’t looking for them.
Here’s why so many women were not diagnosed
ADHD and autism were studied through a male lens
For decades, the diagnostic criteria for both ADHD and autism were based on research that focused primarily on young white boys. These studies shaped what clinicians expected to see: hyperactivity that looked like bouncing off walls, autism that showed up as non-verbal behavior, and an obsession with trains or numbers.
But many women and girls presented differently. Instead of externalizing symptoms, they internalized them. Their hyperactivity showed up as constant mental chatter. Their sensory sensitivities were dismissed as “picky” or “dramatic.” And their need for sameness or routines? That was called being “bossy” or “controlling.”
In short, the researchers didn’t see them, so the professionals didn’t either.
Masking was (and is) a survival skill
From a young age, many neurodivergent girls learn to “mask” or camouflage their traits to fit in. They watch, mimic, and perform what’s expected…at great personal cost. Social scripts, people-pleasing, and perfectionism become tools to hide their differences.
This masking is so effective that even those closest to them, parents, teachers, and even mental health professionals, often don’t see the struggle beneath the surface. It’s not that the signs weren’t there. It’s that the woman or girl was working overtime to hide them.
Girls were taught to be “good”
There’s a strong cultural expectation for girls to be quiet, agreeable, and accommodating. A boy who talks too much or interrupts is labeled disruptive. A girl who does the same might be told she’s “chatty.” A boy who melts down is considered to have a behavioral issue. A girl who breaks down emotionally might be called “overly sensitive.”
Because of these double standards, many neurodivergent girls were disciplined not through diagnosis and support, but through shame, redirection, or being labeled as difficult, lazy, or moody.
Co-occurring conditions masked the core issue
Many women spent years, sometimes decades, getting diagnosed with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, or bipolar disorder before anyone thought to screen for ADHD or autism.
While these conditions can and do occur alongside neurodivergence, they’re often a result of the chronic stress of living in a world that doesn’t understand or accommodate different brains. The true root, neurodivergence, often went undetected.
Menopause and burnout brought everything crashing down
For many women, the tipping point comes in midlife. The hormonal shifts of perimenopause and the accumulated exhaustion from a lifetime of masking and over-functioning can bring long-suppressed symptoms to the surface.
What once felt “manageable” (even if barely) suddenly isn’t. The executive dysfunction becomes impossible to ignore. The sensory overload becomes unbearable. The burnout is bone-deep. And it’s then, often during a personal crisis, that women start putting the pieces together.
This is absolutely what happened to me! I was blindsided by the executive dysfunction and struggled to do even basic things daily. I even lost my house and had no idea it was connected to AuDHD. But ultimately, it was what helped me to recognize my own neurodivergence.
The mental health field is only just catching up
Thankfully, awareness is growing. More professionals are beginning to understand how ADHD and autism show up in women and non-male populations. More women are speaking out, writing books, and creating content that tells the truth of their lived experiences. Self-identification is becoming a valid starting point for many on the path to understanding themselves better.
But for many women over 40, that diagnosis still comes late, and it often brings with it a period of mourning. Mourning for the girl who didn’t get the help she needed. For the woman who thought she was just broken. For the years spent trying to be someone she wasn’t.
You weren’t broken. You were overlooked.
If you’re one of the many women discovering your neurodivergence in midlife, know this: You are not alone. You are not too late. And you are not too much. You were simply misread by a world that wasn’t built for your brilliance.
It’s never too late to understand yourself, to unmask, to heal, and to embrace the person you’ve always been beneath the performance.
Have you recently discovered your ADHD or autism diagnosis later in life? Share your experience in the comments below. Let’s rewrite the narrative…together.