Have you ever had one of those days where you plan to relax…but somehow end up doing laundry, reorganizing your spice cabinet, and paying bills instead? Yeah, me too.
For many of us, especially women in midlife who’ve spent decades caretaking, working, overachieving, and people-pleasing, “relaxing” sounds great in theory, but in practice? It feels… impossible.
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering how people just sit there and do nothing, this post is for you. Here are 11 signs you might not actually know how to relax (and no judgment, because I’m right there with you).
1. You feel guilty when you sit down.
The moment your body stops moving, that inner voice pipes up: “Shouldn’t you be doing something productive?” You can’t even watch a show without folding laundry or scrolling your phone to “multitask.”
2. You can’t finish a nap without waking up anxious.
You try to rest, but your brain acts like an over-caffeinated squirrel, reminding you of everything you “should” be doing instead of sleeping.
3. You plan your relaxation.
You schedule “relaxing time” into your calendar like it’s a board meeting. But when that time comes? You suddenly “remember” 14 other things that must get done first.
4. You confuse distraction with relaxation.
Scrolling TikTok for an hour or bingeing an entire season of a show feels like a break. But your nervous system would probably disagree. True rest actually calms your body and mind, not overstimulates them.
5. You can’t be still without background noise.
Music, TV, podcasts…something always has to be on. Silence feels… itchy. Like your thoughts might get too loud if things get quiet.
6. You equate rest with laziness.
If you were raised to believe your worth is tied to productivity, slowing down can trigger guilt or even shame. Relaxation feels “unearned,” as if you need permission to just be.
7. You feel the need to justify downtime.
If you do take a break, you find yourself saying things like, “I’ve been so busy this week, I deserve it.” You can’t simply rest without explaining why it’s okay.
8. You can’t remember the last time you truly felt calm.
You’ve been running on autopilot for so long that “relaxed” isn’t even in your emotional vocabulary anymore. Even on vacation, you’re mentally checking off lists.
9. Your nervous system doesn’t trust rest.
When your body finally slows down, it doesn’t know what to do with the stillness. You might feel edgy, emotional, or uncomfortable because relaxation feels unsafe.
10. You immediately fill the empty space.
The moment you finish a project or task, you start another one. Downtime feels like a void you have to fill before it swallows you whole.
11. You say you want to relax, but don’t actually know what that looks like.
If someone asked you what truly helps you unwind, you might not even have an answer. Because “relaxation” isn’t something you’ve learned how to do, it’s something you’ve learned how to avoid.
The truth is…
Many of us don’t know how to relax because our nervous systems have been in go-mode for decades. Rest feels foreign. But learning to relax isn’t lazy, it’s liberating.
So how do you start to relax, especially if you’re neurodivergent? Relaxing may look different for you than for those who are neurotypical. You have different needs, and that’s okay!
Here are a few things you can try to help you relax!
Sensory-based soothing
What works:
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Weighted blankets, soft fabrics, gentle rocking, dim lighting, or calming scents.
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Soundscapes like rain, brown noise, or instrumental music.
Why it’s different:
Neurodivergent nervous systems are often in a heightened state of alert. Instead of “zoning out” with background TV or socializing (which can add more input), many need to reduce sensory input or find controlled, comforting sensations that bring the nervous system down from overstimulation.
Special interest time
What works:
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Diving into a favorite hobby, topic, or “hyperfixation.”
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Reading, crafting, researching, or even deep-cleaning something if it’s soothing.
Why it’s different:
Neurotypical relaxation often focuses on “unplugging” or being passive. For neurodivergent women, deep focus on something enjoyable is often the most restful because it provides predictability, flow, and a dopamine boost.
Solo decompression time
What works:
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Spending quiet time alone after socializing or work.
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Doing nothing “productive” without guilt…just existing.
Why it’s different:
Many neurodivergent women mask all day, managing sensory and social demands. They often need recovery time from the world, not necessarily “connection time.” Solitude isn’t antisocial—it’s essential nervous system repair.
Body doubling or structured rest
What works:
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Having a friend or accountability buddy present while resting or doing a low-stakes activity.
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Using timers, gentle routines, or visual reminders to rest.
Why it’s different:
Executive dysfunction can make it hard to start relaxing. Neurotypical women might naturally notice when they need a break, but neurodivergent women may need external cues or structure to remember that rest is allowed.
Creative expression
What works:
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Journaling, painting, music, or movement that feels organic rather than forced.
Why it’s different:
Creative expression for neurodivergent people is often both grounding and regulating—it channels excess energy and emotions. It’s not just for fun; it’s often a form of self-regulation.
Safe-environment cocooning
What works:
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Creating a “nest” space with controlled lighting, textures, and favorite comfort items.
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Watching comfort shows, playing cozy games, or repeating familiar routines.
Why it’s different:
Neurodivergent women may rely on predictable environments for a sense of safety. Where neurotypical relaxation might involve novelty (a new restaurant, a trip), neurodivergent rest often comes from familiarity and control.
Deep conversations (with the right people)
What works:
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Talking about meaningful topics with a trusted friend.
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Avoiding small talk and surface-level chatter.
Why it’s different:
Many neurodivergent women find “light” conversation exhausting but feel deeply fulfilled by authentic, heart-centered connection. That’s when socializing can actually feel restorative.
You deserve to rest… no justification is required. Just find what works for you!
