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Have you ever heard about self-marriage? This new concept is gaining ground and could be a great way for you to commit to yourself! Here is my story about self-marriage!
I’m newly single this year. Here it is the day before Valentine’s Day and I have been divorced for just over two weeks. But although most singles dread Valentine’s Day, I’m looking forward to it and can’t wait for it to get here!
Why? Because I’m doing something that others may think is completely crazy….I’m getting married! That is what you do when you fall in love, isn’t it? And I’ve finally fallen head over heels in love!! So who is the lucky recipient of my affection? Me!
Wrong messages
When I was a child, I was given the message that being me wasn’t okay. That people weren’t comfortable with who I was. I think that most people deal with similar messages as children. So we are taught how to think, what to believe, how to act, and who to be.
I tucked away who I really was. I built a wall in which I hid my true self and carefully constructed a new persona that I felt was more acceptable to the world. And I spent most of my life living as the character that I had created. I did that because I felt that I needed to be someone else to receive approval, validation, and affection from others.
Setting the real me free!
But it wasn’t ME! And the whole time, my true self was screaming to be set free. But I ignored it and pretended that it wasn’t there. Not listening to myself led me to struggle throughout my life. For years I struggled with depression and anxiety because I never felt that I was fully able to express the fullness of who I was. I felt like a fraud and just knew that at any moment, someone would discover my truth.
That led me to stay in jobs that were not only wrong for me but caused extreme stress and negativity in my life….because that was what the world told me I was supposed to do and what others expected of me.
And I married someone that fit the character I was playing….but wasn’t right for who I truly was. I wasn’t right for him either. The chaos and drama that we found in our marriage was caused by neither one of us being true to who were were. We were fully caught up in the masks we were wearing and the illusion we were creating.
Instead of acknowledging that there were incompatibilities that didn’t work for us individually, and allowing one another to be who we were in our marriage, we did everything in our power to change each other to “fit” our idea of what we wanted our spouse to be. Neither one of us was ever going to be enough for the other, because there were incompatibilities that were just too great. We just spent nine years trying to “fix” one another, instead of being honest about who we were and what was best for each of us.
The Day I Chose Me
The fact remains that had either my husband or I have been fully connected with who we truly were, our marriage would’ve been much shorter than the nine years that it was….or we never would’ve married at all. But we both chose to deny ourselves and what was right for each of us….and kept the illusion going.
That all changed for me on Thursday, September 3, 2015. I could not contain my true self. Living behind the false persona felt so inauthentic and dishonest that I couldn’t continue wearing the mask.
So I looked at my husband and told him that we needed to talk. And in the moments that followed, spoke my truth. I chose me, and began packing to move out.
Having a love affair with me
Once I was on my own, I began to develop a love affair with myself….something that I had never done in my 46 years. I began to embrace the fullness of who I am. Honestly, I am still discovering different aspects of who I am, that I tucked away a long time ago. Every day brings another “aha” moment and unexpected revelations for me. I stopped living for external approval and started giving myself the approval, validation, and affection that I needed. It was important for me to begin accepting myself and all of my imperfections and realizing that I am truly a beautifully, wonderfully imperfect human being….and that I don’t have to be perfect to be good enough. I am good enough just the way I am. I chose to live my truth and stopped giving a crap what other people thought about it.
Of course, I am still unwrapping the different layers of the gift that is me, and am excited to see what else I discover in myself! It’s all an adventure!
Saying “I Do” to Me
I only learned about the concept of marrying one’s self a couple of days ago. But the idea was so profound and so relevant for me and where I am on my journey that it just seemed right.
A self-marriage is not a legally binding marriage in the traditional aspect, of course. But it is taking vows and choosing to love myself and commit to myself fully. As someone who rejected and abandoned me for most of my life, coming home to me and taking these vows is one of the most powerful ways that I can show myself love.
I also know that when it is time for me to connect with another soul in a romantic relationship I must love myself fully and unconditionally to be open to loving someone else and receiving love unconditionally. And since that is the type of love that my soul longs for, then I must show it to myself first!
I have written down a list of vows for myself. I’m going to share a few of them with you:
I promise…
- to love me exactly as I am now, with imperfections, insecurities, and all.
- to comfort me in times of grief, sadness, hopelessness, and through whatever difficulty shows up in my life.
- always to be my biggest cheerleader.
- always to listen to my inner guidance so that I can do what is best for me, no matter what others think.
- to never lose myself or let go of myself in a romantic relationship.
- always to honor my journey and the lessons that I need to learn to grow.
- to never settle for a relationship that isn’t right for me.
- always to honor my calling and purpose in the world.
- to honor my creativity and all the ways that I choose to express it in the world.
- to honor my uniqueness and never allow anyone to dull my sparkle.
- always to forgive me fully.
- to love my body and accept that it is beautiful just as it is.
- to honor and embrace my sensuality and sexuality without guilt and shame.
- always to honor my needs and know that it is safe to speak up for them.
- to let go of the things that no longer serve me and that ultimately harm me.
- always to be gentle and kind to myself and allow myself to be imperfect and to make mistakes.
- to remind myself often that I am worthy and I am good enough, just as I am.
- always to honor the unique gifts that I have and allow myself to fully share them with the world.
- to love myself always.
A New Kind of Marriage
So this year, on Valentine’s Day, instead of feeling dread….I will be feeling love. A brand new, deeply passionate, all-encompassing love for myself. And as so many other couples go out to dinner and share gifts, I will be sharing the greatest gift I could give myself…the unconditional love that I’ve always wanted.
You can also commit to love yourself. You don’t have to be single to marry yourself! Learning to fully love yourself and commit to yourself is the perfect way to enhance your marriage or relationship as well because when you fully love yourself, it opens your heart up to loving others unconditionally. So commit to loving yourself, fully, openly, passionately, and unconditionally….and you will experience freedom and happiness in life that you never expected. You’re worth it!
